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Hello World

You have started seeing or dating someone but you are not sure if he or she is your type? The fact of the matter is that simple attraction is not enough for a lasting relationship. You need to be compatible or at least accepting of the type of relationship you are embarking upon.

I’m sure we all think we know the type of personal relationship we have with the one we love.  When I started out with my partner, I thought I knew the dynamics of our relationship but now, years later, I can see that I was certainly incorrect and what I’ve learnt has given me more tolerance and a better understanding.

Personal relationships can start in any number of different ways but once you start there will be a sort of subconscious (or conscious) mental checklist that you will go through about the other person:

• Social aspects - family background, social standing in the community, behaviour, etc.
• Priorities and values
• Financial issues
• Education

• Personality and Compatibility

The first four points you can either see or check through many different sources.  The last, on the compatibility of your personalities is a little more difficult.  All that was available, until now, was psychometric testing.  A little bit drastic in a social situation don’t you think!  What happens if these psychometric tests say that you are only 25% compatible?  Will you even bother making contact?

So what happens if you find yourself in or attracted to a controlling type of personal relationship?  For starters, there is nothing wrong with that provided you both know the relationship, why it works, how it works and know the acceptance and understanding you have to have.

Some examples

Over the last number of years I have profiled many couples who would be in the category of having a conflicting type of relationship.  Two couples I profiled stand out more than others because the couples were so similar in their characteristics with the husbands being the controlling influence.   They were also similar in financial matters, social standing, education and age.

What was interesting was the dynamics of the relationships were vastly different.  One couple were aware of the controlling aspect in their relationship and really worked at communicating and being aware and considerate of the other person.  It was and is a very open relationship that works.

The other marriage was all about control and dominance to the point where the husband would forbid his wife from following interests he didn’t agree with.  She made the excuse that she was a hell-raiser in her youth and now needed someone to take charge.  Because of her situation she pursued her interests in secret.  Observing the situation over the period of several weeks I could see her stress and uneasy frustration by her not talking and sharing.  She in turn took out her frustration on her children.

Conclusion

It may be that these conflicting personal relationships are difficult and there may be fights but if the communication, desire and passion are there to make the relationship work then there is a better chance of success.  If not and from what I have seen over and over again, a conflicting personal relationship has a greater chance of failure than most other types of relationships.

Something to think about

Some people think that parents shouting and screaming at each other is normal in a relationship or family.  So if you have grown up with this type of situation it is probable that you may pick a similar type of relationship and relive the same problems in their personal relationships because it is what you are used to as being normal.

So if a marriage or long-term personal relationship fails and the parents of one of the couple have previously been through a divorce, when they were young, it is taken that the reason is they came from a ‘broken home’ so the failed relationship was doomed from the start.  If you know the dynamics of your relationship(s) you might not have to go through that heartache!

John

The office or the workplace is another area where you probably don’t have any options as to who you work with unless you are the boss.   Even at that bosses, managers and co-workers can have daily conflict with their employees and fellow workers especially where someone is ‘placed’ into a job involving a close working relationship with others.  Replacing a key employee can be a real nightmare and if it is not right, problems can follow.

A few years ago I read an article in a newspaper on business and decision-making, which I found extremely interesting but not surprising.  It was reported that new research from Cranfield University, one of the world’s leading business schools, found that personality was the key to decision-making.  http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/finance/2006/0707/1146660098201.html

The researcher found the results were rather surprising.  It seems that,” where you have been, what you have trained in, how long you have been around was all rather irrelevant.  What did turn out to be important was your personality.” It concluded that “managers need to become more aware of their own personality traits and the likely biases they have on their decision making.”

Most of the classified job ads I have ever seen have all looked for people with “good inter-personal skills” as well as the appropriate qualifications.  Psychometric tests are used as a guide to employers but I feel and believe that they are incomplete.  Psychometric testing is about ‘individuals’ and their ‘behaviour’ as compared to an accepted statistical norm. They are not about personal compatibility between people but how you are likely to behave or react to a given situation without any help from others.

So you go for a job and before you even get to see the people you could work with you have to get past the interviewer who might not even have anything to do with your prospective new employer.   It happened to me many years ago.

My experience

Wanting to change my career direction I went to a job agent I knew socially, for a particular job.  With help, I compiled a super CV, did his psychometric tests and was interviewed, but I didn’t get the job.  I subsequently found out that the job went to someone less qualified for the position but who was a personal friend of the agent.  I have to say that I was annoyed at being treated in such a fashion by someone I knew.

Knowing what I know now I checked back on our personalities and found that I was a conflicting personality to the job agent and therefore there was no supportive connection between us.  With hindsight it now doesn’t surprise me that I didn’t get that job.

Another example

I was recently consulted by a managing director whose personal assistant took maternity leave and was temporally replaced, by the human resources department, with another person from within the organization.  Unfortunately the replacement, despite being highly qualified, had a conflicting or controlling personality to her temporary new boss.  Almost immediately there was tension between the two.

Because of this controlling personality the boss felt that this temporary assistant was showing him disrespect, was treating him with contempt and would even be argumentative with him regarding simple business matters.  The director felt the pressure from this person and adopted the attitude of “I am the boss and I will not have anyone talk down to me“.

That lead the personal assistant to take an opposite stance stating “I will not be bullied and I’m entitled to my opinion“.  The result was that the stress levels grew and filtered down through the whole company so much so that absenteeism among other employees grew and the business suffered.

Being able to identify and deflect possible conflict by changing reporting structures or selecting people based on supporting personalities can only have a more positive result on business.

John

Hello World

My first blog was written as a brief overview of personal relationship compatibility to show how inter-relationships were viewed from ancient times, in eastern philosophy, and how the same basic principles hold true today.   In this blog I want to look at or expand on what I mean by the ‘Conflict, Challenge, Control’ aspect of personal relationships.

I do not want to look at the behaviour of anyone in conflict or the psychological aspect but at the point where you come to realise that you just don’t like someone or where you know you are just opposites in personality to someone else.  Psychologists do enough research into human behaviour for me not to want to go down that route.

It is a generally accepted truth that some personality traits are innate, you are born with them, and some are learned.  I am sure you have heard people saying or have even said it yourself, “I acted on instinct”.  It is this basic instinct and your basic natural personality traits that result in your behaviour.  So, if your personality is that you are a straight talking individual you may dislike someone who deals in half-truths.  Behavioural responses will vary in a variety of different situations but all reactions or behaviour comes from your basic personality traits.

Family Relationships and Conflict

The family group is probably one area where you most often act according to your own inner nature.  It is the area where you get your first experiences of personalities and the compatibility of people.  This is also where you probably let your guard down the most, where you relax and ‘be yourself’.  This is because you feel most comfortable in surroundings you know and also where you know all the parameters.

The family is one of the groups where you do not choose the people you live with, at least not in your earlier years.  Take a situation where two members of the same family (sisters, brothers or brother/sister) just always seem to spark off each other, so much so that a parent might say “Why can’t you two just get along for once“.  With investigation, I have found that one person (call them Person A) probably has a more dominant personality and the one that controls the other (Person B) in the relationship.

According to eastern philosophy it is all about energies and how they interact with each other.  In reality, in a challenging family situation as indicated above, this manifests itself in a way that B feels the pressure from A.  A feels no stress nor sees any reason for a negative reaction from B.  With a negative outburst or reaction from B the other person might be totally puzzled and possibly make a comment like “What’s your problem?“, and are genuinely not understanding the reaction from the other person.

B is not necessarily a weak or a meek person, they may even get into another argument a short time later with someone they dominate, control or challenge.  Once you can identify where problems in family relationships might happen then you can take appropriate avoiding action.

So if there is continual tension in a personal relationship it may be because of the interaction of characteristics of the two individuals that may have very little to do with what has actually been said or done.  By understanding that a particular relationship is difficult will make it easier for you to modify your own reaction and defuse possible conflict.

John

Next:

Workplace and Conflict (Part 2 of 3)

Love and a Challenging Relationship (Part 3 of 3)